I’m probably the only girl in the world that cringes at the thought of a guy more than liking me. The idea of someone loving me scares me because everyone I love or have loved has chosen to skate on me when I have needed them most.
Between my recent break-up and all the stress of everyday life, dipping my feet back in the water of this dipping game has been difficult. My guy friends who’ve secretly spent their time liking me are all moving in on my vulnerability. And an ex-fling if that’s what he is to be called, who I found solace in with my emotions and moments of manic insomnia decided to blurt out “I Love You.”
That came unexpectedly. When we were dating he did everything in his power to push me away and to build up these walls to only let me but so close. He stopped talking to me and pinned it on me as if I did anything wrong, so I chalked it up as another bad experience and moved on with life.
Knowing that I’m still in love with someone and it’s eating away at my emotions, for him to say, ‘I Love You’ came off as selfish to me. We dated 2 years ago, and I don’t want to be the girl who is responsible for anyone’s emotion right now. I can’t even keep my in order.
I can’t ignore it as if he never said it. I don’t feel the same and I don’t want to lead anyone on. This is why, I avoid getting close to guys. This is why I walk around telling people not to fall in love with me. I’m not really in the heartbreak game and I do not feel comfortable friendzoning dudes, because when they feel it necessary they burden you with their feelings. Without thinking about how those words will eventually affect you.
In all honesty, the unexpected, ‘I love you’ is probably disingenuous. I don’t want to flatter myself because I’m an extremely flawed person. For something that could have been so sweet and honest, it came from a place of jealousy and need. A guy who could have had a future with me coming back just to say I love you? After he watched me enter a relationship of joy and watched it disintegrate and knowing he could have had those moments with me?
I call bullshit on the feelings but I don’t want to be a cold-hearted girl. My love life has the potential to be a screenplay. I’m starting to agree that the good girls have the worst dating experiences.
Not saying, I’m not open to finding someone who will be everything I want and need again. Right now I’m just not ready. It will be a conflict of the residual love, I have for someone else competing with the hurt that came from that situation. Can’t a girl just be single with male friends anymore? Do you come to an age where you’re supposed to be involved?