The undercover, over-lover: the tough girl with a moat the size of the Nile around her overly abused heart. The walls she uses to conceal the fact she wears her heart on her sleeve and physically feels every emotion as an extension of her movements. I could not tell you how she became this way but only that she exists solely to share a burning love that never seems to be requited and so she secretly muffles her feelings as the world around her continues to move on.
She is me and I wear this title as a person who has lost love because of overlooked incompatibilities or chasing a relationship out of the fear of being lonely. Then for the first time ever I meet who I would call Mr. Rightfornow and all the hurdles of the past I have never fully dealt with slowly brought forth the demise of a good thing. Past hurt and circumstances of life have made me this jaded hopeless romantic and every story ends the same (either short-lived or with me suffering heartbreak). Each situation pans out and you somehow get over it but this one feels like it will take an eternity. As fresh as the wound may be, it hurts worst than the bad ones because good things are never suppose to end. You get your heart broken by the sleazy guy who did not deserve you in the first place and you’re sad but you know that deep down inside his rotten ways are more of a reflection of him than they are you.
Then you meet a man who deserves every inkling of passion, lust, love and understanding your over loving soul has to offer. And for the simplest of reasons it just doesn’t work out. What does the undercover, over-lover in me do? She reverts to her self-defense mechanism and shuts down, becomes irate and feels inadequate and begins to blame the monsters from her past. For once I want to enter a situation that embodies Bob Marley’s words, “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. … Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” But that won’t happen here and though it makes no sense to me, it makes sense to him and I have to respect that.
I can pout, I can cry and I can present my case but it isn’t here for me to fix at least at this point it is not.
So it sucks that I miss him, and it sucks that I have no negative memories to hide my hurt under to push and move on. I do not know what’s worse missing him immensely or knowing that for once there’s nothing I can do about it.
Loving from a distance. Picking back up undercover, over-lover barricades looking back on happy moments and being engulfed with hurt because you know at some point you have to let go and not look back.
This hurts more than the others because in the destructive path love has left in your life, you felt that this was something that would have lasted. Something that you fought to have, that you allowed to happen and did not push away, a love you let find you.
In the routine of the undercover, over-lover no matter how hard you fall back into reality, all your guards and walls will eventually go back up and you’ll be ready to take the ride again. No matter how long it takes you to get there or if you tuck away that love for this person for an eternity – the undercover, over-lover will live to love again. Sometimes we just pray it’s with the one who we actually allowed ourselves to fall for.
Until then your heart resides in moat outside the boat that person paddled through your soul on.