The city never sleeps, better slip you a Ambien – Jay-Z

I have recently decided to take the doctor up on a few tests and it is official I have chronic insomnia. Seems whenever I go to the doctor something else is wrong with this refurbished body of mine.

I have tried every home remedy to get sleep but to no avail nothing seems to work for me. Some nights, I have difficulty falling asleep. Other nights, I fall asleep and am awoken within a two-hour time span because of a recurring dream. Exhaustion is trying me into a walking zombie, I’m almost always too tired to feel anything. No more people watching, loud music playing or long walks because the  puffy eyes or headaches send streaks of pain through my body telling her she needs rest.

Quieting my mind is so difficult because the fast thoughts are what drive so many of my passions and talents. This is now a battle of the Mind vs. Body, and the mind always wins.

I never thought my sleeping pattern was a real problem but it’s been prevalent since my teenage years. Once I hit 15 years old, sleeping became an anomaly. Unless I was ill, I was never the teenager who spent the weekends or days off from school lurking around my bed. My sleep deprivance would be masked at best  through writing late at night or watching Three’s Company until an hour where my body shut down, which was usually at 4 o’clock in the morning.

As I got older sleep slipped further and further away, especially after a very traumatic night in my life. Since then, peaceful sleeping has been dismissed altogether. A result of the stress of that night causes any movement or sound made near me to wake me from my slumber.

That nervous also makes it difficult to sleep around other people. If I have company, I lay awake next to them or I have to be in a totally different room. Even in my sleep, I don’t trust anyone.

The best sleep I ever got in my life came in my last relationship because I was comfortable and felt safe in his presence. Love truly cures all. I want to be able to have nights like that on my own for once but I hate medication.

NyQuil makes me feel like I can kick Juggernaut into smithereens and Benadryl makes me babble like a fool.  So the option to take Ambien CR has me fretting that I won’t wake up from the deep slumber or that I’ll become reliant on a sleeping aid. With those options, it’s a wonder I spend most nights laying in the dark until it’s time to start my day.

I read too much, write too much and sleep too little, my brain probably looks like a fried egg. There’s no way I’m performing at my best potential these days. But is Ambien the answer, to a problem that’s rooted in more complexities? Looks like I’m paying for repressing feelings.

Every aspect of my life has become a conundrum. I wish things were simple.

 


2 Comments

  1. Posted Apr 09 at 5:33 pm | Permalink

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  2. Posted Jul 03 at 2:32 am | Permalink

    And a few of them can be done as well.

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