It is apparent to anyone in and around my life whether you know me directly or from following my thoughts on social media, that I’m going through a pretty bad breakup. For the first time in my life my most vulnerable emotions have festered on the surface; the introvert is out-of-place. Now instead of the anger the used to cover up my vulnerability, there is this manifestation of sadness that follows me like a black cloud. The silver lining, is that I finally know what true love feels like and I also know that many of the relationships I had are not what they should be. Many of the one relationships in my are one-sided and almost everyone directly involved in my life are selfish, spoiled, brats. The disequilibrium is causing me to hold on and fight for something that’s over because for once the 100% I was putting into someone was being reciprocated on every level.
Every relationship (platonic, intimate or family related) needs a proper balance of give and take. Now that I am dealing with a breakup as I look around the tears or frustration are left for me to deal with alone. Aside from a few people, the only time my phone rings is when someone needs a favor. Helping people while fighting to maintain my own emotional strength would not have bothered me before, but now I’m tired of fighting. I can’t blame anyone because I play second fiddle to myself in my own life, overlooking emotional spats or relaxation to chase my dream, to earn a living, to pay bills, to put food on my table all so I can survive on my own. I can say it’s a habit I picked up as a consequence to not having anyone fully take care of me. That created an empathetic quality in me that for the most part cannot be quieted.
As I grow, I’m noticing I’m the person who gets misplaced when my friends enter into relationships. People may see it as jealousy but no matter how in love you are your relationship should never alter the dynamic of friendships. Then that same person you misplaced you expect to be there when and if the relationship goes sour. I am that person who is there even when I should not be, all because I cannot bear to see anyone hurting. But this continuous cycle may have finally drained me.
I was once told, “Chrissy, your soul is a well. If you keep giving of yourself and never have someone to refill your well, you’ll die of thirst.” In that moment, I did not know what was meant to die of thirst. You don’t experience anything until you live it and my life is parched. Because of my past struggles, I overlook my needs in certain situations to make sure that everyone else is well off. Hell, the nights I do get sleep, I wake up in tears or loneliness and my first action is to always pray for the person who has caused me a majority of the heartache. That selflessness is a big part of my personality but I have destabilized my person and I have finally given too much of myself.
Now that I’ve reached this level of exhaustion, I have nothing to give the deserving people in my life. I’ve become numb. One of the biggest lessons that I must take heed to is that no matter how rewarding giving of myself can be it is only as good as the value it brings back to your life.
One-sided relationships inflict so many daggers to your self-esteem. When you are not receiving a beneficial amount of anything you begin to question yourself. The constant giving makes it impossible to have a satisfying relationship. The overbearing nature of that ‘give and give mentality is a main cause of my breakup; In an attempt to give, I forgot to look back and take the traces of love and intimacy that were freely being given to me because of their unfamiliarity.
Who I am and who we should strive to be is how much we give of ourselves without losing control of who we are. The strongest people are selfless at times that call for them to be selfish. Continually giving of yourself in any relationship, and exhausting your emotional stability only makes you more invisible to other people. The person who you’re extending yourself to will continue to only see you when they need that support and the surrounding people will lose you because there is no more of you to share.
From this day forth gauge and choose people capable of reciprocating all of what you put into a relationship, no matter if you’re putting 40% or more it should be a mutual action of give and take. Open your heart and remember to replenish your own well and water the garden of your emotions. Everything starts at home.